Just shy of half a year...

6 months have almost passed me by and with each moment..each passing second..each glance..each giggle..each tear..each and every smile has brought more joy to my life, and has made me fall deeper in love with my daughter.

If I were to write here a letter today (first of many, I am sure) this is what I would hope to say:

If the past few months have taught me anything, it is that I have many wishes for you, my love.

There will be many challenges in your life, and you will be faced with happiness and pain, and love and hurt.

I wish you the ability to have grace under fire.

I wish you to be able to look people in the face and smile when they put you down, or muster up a ' have a good day' when someone yells at you for no reason..

And to agree to disagree when faced with the ignorance of themany people you will meet, even if what they say seems to insane, ridiculous or otherwise stupid.

I hope you have many friends, people who you can share joy with, dream with, laugh with and cry with.

I wish you a speedy recovery when you have your heart broken for the first time. I hope you are able to look at the person who broke it, hold back the hurt while holding your head high and wish them well, wish them peace and most of all wish them love. Remember always that you reap what you sow.

I strongly encourage you to stand up for what you beleive in. No matter who opposes you, or who feels differently (even me).

Trust your instincts and often go with your first impressions, they will be your best guide.

I hope that you are able to show compassion and respect for those people whose beliefs are different than yours and especially those who you disagree with.

I pray that the first time a friend hurts or betrays you, you look deep into your heart and are able to forgive them.

I hope you always keep an open mind and an open heart.

Love big, smile often and live your life to the fullest.

I have faced many challenges in my life, and you my sweet baby girl are my reward.

You have become the answer to all of my questions- You are my heart.

I love you- Always and forever- Lots and lots.

-Mama.

Not-so supermarket...

I used to LOVE to go food shopping! It was a small frame of time where I would get to get away from everyone and everything and buy food. It may sound trivial and small, but I also have a HUGE passion for cooking- so the way a musician loves to go to a music store and tinker on a new guitar, or an artist walks into a craft store and gets a little batty over all of the crafty possibilities, to me the grocery store was much the same way. Each isle contained an ingredient that I loved or one I've been dying to try-- and combined with a few other ingredients and a little imagination some of the most wonderful things would come about. My heart would beat just a little faster each time I would enter the florescent-ly light warehouse of wonderment, my head buzzing with delight over the possibilities. Cooking is the way I relax, cooking is my stress relief, cooking is just my thing. It's my outlet for creativity and anxiety-- In other words, cooking is my drug, and the grocery store my dealer.

That was until I had a shopping partner.. No, I am not talking about Andre who has been banned from coming with me until further notice based upon the fact that he treats the grocery store like a rogue military operation... Get in, cause a lot of damage and get out as quickly as possible sticking only to the task (grocery list) at hand. He never quite understood my lackadaisical way of shopping; not quite comprehending my need to read labels for nutritional value and ingredients, cruising up and down each isle to look for new arrivals and using my list as only a guideline, not a map of the quickest route in and out of the store.

No-no.. I am talking about my little daughter. I understand and fully comprehend that at her age of just barely 5 months that she may not particularly enjoy the supermarket.. I get it. She's not quite at the point where you can stick her in cart with a stringed box of animal crackers and expect her to sit quietly like my mom did with me and many moms did with their children before that, but I also didn't think I was signing on for leaving my cart in the 4th isle to run outside to the parking lot to calm her down as apparently my child has a serious issue with the idea of Ronzoni pasta.

There was a time in my life PBI (Pre-baby Isabel) that I would be sauntering up and down the isle of Stop and Shop at about 2-3 miles per hour enjoying the sights and smells, imagining myself as a chef or a restaurant owner finally having a chance to feed people my healthy and delicious recipies.. Changing the average Joe's opinion of beans and asparagus forever when 'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'! I am snapped back into reality-- the one where I work in a medical office and cook only for hobby and my husbands sustenance by a screaming child and a worn and tired looking woman trying desperately to get her food shopping done while attempting to calm her child, hold a pacifier in it's mouth, read a shopping list and push the cart all at the same time. All around her would be older, more wiser looking women giving her the knowing 'don't worry, I've been there and it gets better' look.. And then there's me, shooting her the (not intentionally, but because I cannot control my facial expressions) look that says

'seriously, lady? you don't have husband or life partner or a baby daddy to leave that kid with so it doesn't ruin my Zen moment?' Ok, I know that sounds mean and horrible, but I had no idea. I wasn't aware of the physical exhaustion and desperation that having a kid can give you, and not to mention how going to the store just to get the basics can be an all day affair.. and how the second that your baby begins to whimper you move that much faster in hopes that by the time your baby has an all out meltdown, you've at least made it to the register. I am pretty sure all of the mommies I have ever given 'the look' to have all gotten together and wished and hoped and prayed that one day I would suffer their misery..

.... And it worked! I get it and I am sorry.. Consider this my formal apology. I promise for now on, if I shoot anyone any looks in the store it will be only those looks of camaraderie-- A look of knowing and understanding that you, like me are just trying to buy some milk and eggs and cereal (like you'd actually have the time to eat it, ha!) without feeling completely embarrassed and flustered by your child that is now screaming so hard your afraid someone is going to think you've stolen them, because if you were it's 'real' mom there is no way you wouldn't be able to comfort them at least enough to calm them down a little.

So, while I have tried to work it out that I leave the baby with Andre so I can go food shopping, and I don't 'miss out' on a food shopping adventure, I often stop mid-store when I hear a baby giggle, coo or even cry to realize that I miss her so much more than I thought I would and I have resorted to taking her with me strapped to my chest and maybe this way she will learn to love shopping as much as her mommy.

Mission: Discovery

Fingers, lots and lots of sloppy-wet slimy fingers! Sucking on her fingers is my daughters newest favorite thing to do.. Teething toys, chewing blankets, soft-squishy books a-plenty, and yet fingers, both mine and hers are the best things she can find to put into her mouth. The day Isabel discovered her fingers is apparently just the beginning of things she would find and figure out in the next few weeks. She has been learning in leaps and bounds and watching her discover how to roll from her back to her belly, hold her toes, how to hug and also begin to entertain herself makes me think about all the things I am learning by just being around her. Who knew that being a mommy would be this whole new world of learning and revelation.

When I used to work at my VERY busy full-time job, multi-tasking was my middle name... I could help a patient check-in, answer the phone, get films, make an appointment and talk to a doctor, all while smiling like it was second nature. It never phased me that I was doing so much at the same time, because I had been trained to do these things over the course of 7 years.

I really wish there was the same kind of training for mommy-hood, because this is a whole new breed of multi-tasking and from what I am learning it only gets more involved the older she gets.

In my journey so far I have discovered the art of breastfeeding and reading/eating/typing/answering the phone.. I have also figured out how to bathe myself and the baby at the same time, and I have all but mastered the fine art of napping/nodding off while she feeds at 1am while cradling her in my arms and keeping the glider going just enough to keep her in a semi-sleepy state.

I have also discovered that despite popular belief, I can go a day without a shower.. Granted this was NOT my idea, and if I had it my way I would never go a day un-showered or my legs unshaven, however out of necessity I have realized that (much to my chagrin) sometimes the days just doesn't work out the way I had planned and I just never got a chance to jump into the shower.. I have also discovered Febreeze, body sprays, tinted moisturizer, leave-in conditioner and downy wrinkle release-- All due to the fact that I have discovered that I no longer have time the way I used to, or the way I INSISTED I still would once I gave birth.

I have also discovered a new found sense of patience and calm at times when I need it.. Like when the baby is crying for no good reason, when she inevitably poops right through all of her clothes and up her back the second I leave the house and I am on any sort of time constraint, or when I come home from a long day of taking care of and entertaining the baby, carting her to my parents to be watched while I fight traffic to get to work for five hours, count down the minutes until I can go home to see her again, and walk into my house to a sink full of dishes, a full clean dishwasher, and a husband playing x-box...

I have also discovered how amazing it is to watch someone discover things for the first time. How her eyes widened when she figured out that each time she hits the brightly colored round things on her excersaucer it will greet her with a 'moo', a 'meow' a 'quack' or a 'roar'.. How she realized that if she slams her hands into the tub water it will make a silly slapping noise and make the water splash into mommy's face. How she's learned that if she snuggles just right, mommy will hate to put her down and she will get cuddle time just a little longer.

I have realized that there is so much in my life that I am thankful for that I am no longer spending time on or getting hung up on things that don't enrich my life and make it better.

I have realized that there is so much more discovery in my future. I discover more each day that I love her a little more than I did yesterday. I have seen the unearthing of what fatherhood can do to a guy who kept most of his big emotions under wraps, and I can recall why I married him and discover that I love him more as a father than I ever thought I could .

I love the fact that my husband and I get to go on an adventure everyday... Hand in hand, I will walk alongside my family discovering this new world-- Watching my daughter as her senses are heightened by new smells, tastes, sights and sounds. Watching my husbands chest swell with pride with each of her accomplishments...and me, loving each moment that I get to share with them as a mother, a wife and part of this beautiful family.

I have a lot to say, and so few people to talk to.. ( an introduction)

So, I am a new mommy... Well, just shy of three months a new mommy anyway. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful daughter was born on April 8, 2010.

The only thing I have ever wanted from my life is to be an awesome mom. I am loving every minute of this mommy thing-- the bonding, the clothes, the kisses, the smiles! It's all so fulfilling and great, just like I thought it would be. It's also stressful, complicated, worrisome and at some points completely overwhelming.. Which is why I am writing this blog. I don't even care if no one reads this, for me it's just a place to write and get out of my head and onto paper (so to speak) all of my thoughts and ideas and worries and rants.

Throughout pregnancy (which for me was a loooong time, because my darling daughter was 2 weeks late) all you hear is 'when you have the baby, we will do ______ together' and ' we can't wait for baby so-and-so to be born, so our babies can play, and we can talk/get lunch/go walking/etc'.. Where are all of you people?! Granted, I don't have a lot of people around me with three month olds.. All but one of my girlfriends have no kids, and the one that does has a son who is almost 2 and has a busier schedule than Donald Trump on a good day.. My other kid-less friends either work during the day, have their own crap to worry about or are too far away and too kidless to understand why going out for a drink would require way more effort than I have energy to put into...

I also have this enormous family, with tons of kids all of which as well are older and/or busier than my tiny baby girl.. Yes, I have hung out with my sister and her kids, who are 2 boys ( 2 1/2 and 1 year olds)-- however she's had way more time to get this mom thing down pat, and is able to feed, dress and have her kids on the road before I have even had a chance to eat breakfast in the morning. I am often too busy nursing/washing/changing the baby which still takes me way longer than I think it should, however I still have no idea how. So, I often feel bad that I cannot be out on the road at 9am like she and the other seasoned moms are unless I go hungry and unwashed, because she's already on her way, and by the time I am ready, her kids are ready for their PM nap- so sometimes it's easier to bow out gracefully or just be late...

Where's my husband in all of this? Working of course.. Far, far away-- Ok, it's only an hour or so away, however he takes the train to avoid sitting in traffic and so he can continue his studies in order to (hopefully) get a better job and I will be able to quit my part-time gig and stay home. So, while he's busy at work paying people and crunch numbers in Roslyn Heights, he seems a zillion miles away when I feel I really need to talk to him or share a worry.

Anywhere, where was I? Oh, yea-- so often times I will realize at the end of the day other than a few texts, random phone calls and facebook posts, I have only spoken to my three month old, my cat and the myself for the entire 11 hours my husband has been gone. You forget while being pregnant that people still go to work when you are home with your baby.. And also that other people's lives to not revolve around you and your child's with the exception of perhaps our significant others from time-to-time..

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a semi-stay-at-home mommy.. It's the most amazing thing to see my baby learn new things from day-to-day, however why is it that when people call me and ask me if I need anything, or when I happen to have someone on the phone I have no needs or questions to ask-- However, at 3am in the middle of a feeding or at 1pm in the middle of other kids nap/snack/reading times is usually when something will come up, and it's too late or not a good time to annoy other people with my incessant new mommy concerns/questions.

Fact is, I am still getting the hang of this stuff, but who isn't? What mom or dad out there isn't constantly second guessing themselves and each and every decision you make throughout your day when it comes to the concerns of your children?

So, the one thing I have learned is that as a new parent, old parent, single parent, parent of an only child or several children is that you never get to a point where you think you know all of the answers. The one thing that I am not alone about in all of this parenting stuff is that I will never be 100% sure about anything ever again other than the fact that I want nothing more than the best for my child. I also know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Not me, not my friends, not my sister and not my mom. I also know that they know that, and having realized that little piece of information makes me a part of a group of people bigger than I could've ever imagined, and that makes me feel just a little less lonely.