Monday, June 28, 2010

I have a lot to say, and so few people to talk to.. ( an introduction)

So, I am a new mommy... Well, just shy of three months a new mommy anyway. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful daughter was born on April 8, 2010.

The only thing I have ever wanted from my life is to be an awesome mom. I am loving every minute of this mommy thing-- the bonding, the clothes, the kisses, the smiles! It's all so fulfilling and great, just like I thought it would be. It's also stressful, complicated, worrisome and at some points completely overwhelming.. Which is why I am writing this blog. I don't even care if no one reads this, for me it's just a place to write and get out of my head and onto paper (so to speak) all of my thoughts and ideas and worries and rants.

Throughout pregnancy (which for me was a loooong time, because my darling daughter was 2 weeks late) all you hear is 'when you have the baby, we will do ______ together' and ' we can't wait for baby so-and-so to be born, so our babies can play, and we can talk/get lunch/go walking/etc'.. Where are all of you people?! Granted, I don't have a lot of people around me with three month olds.. All but one of my girlfriends have no kids, and the one that does has a son who is almost 2 and has a busier schedule than Donald Trump on a good day.. My other kid-less friends either work during the day, have their own crap to worry about or are too far away and too kidless to understand why going out for a drink would require way more effort than I have energy to put into...

I also have this enormous family, with tons of kids all of which as well are older and/or busier than my tiny baby girl.. Yes, I have hung out with my sister and her kids, who are 2 boys ( 2 1/2 and 1 year olds)-- however she's had way more time to get this mom thing down pat, and is able to feed, dress and have her kids on the road before I have even had a chance to eat breakfast in the morning. I am often too busy nursing/washing/changing the baby which still takes me way longer than I think it should, however I still have no idea how. So, I often feel bad that I cannot be out on the road at 9am like she and the other seasoned moms are unless I go hungry and unwashed, because she's already on her way, and by the time I am ready, her kids are ready for their PM nap- so sometimes it's easier to bow out gracefully or just be late...

Where's my husband in all of this? Working of course.. Far, far away-- Ok, it's only an hour or so away, however he takes the train to avoid sitting in traffic and so he can continue his studies in order to (hopefully) get a better job and I will be able to quit my part-time gig and stay home. So, while he's busy at work paying people and crunch numbers in Roslyn Heights, he seems a zillion miles away when I feel I really need to talk to him or share a worry.

Anywhere, where was I? Oh, yea-- so often times I will realize at the end of the day other than a few texts, random phone calls and facebook posts, I have only spoken to my three month old, my cat and the myself for the entire 11 hours my husband has been gone. You forget while being pregnant that people still go to work when you are home with your baby.. And also that other people's lives to not revolve around you and your child's with the exception of perhaps our significant others from time-to-time..

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a semi-stay-at-home mommy.. It's the most amazing thing to see my baby learn new things from day-to-day, however why is it that when people call me and ask me if I need anything, or when I happen to have someone on the phone I have no needs or questions to ask-- However, at 3am in the middle of a feeding or at 1pm in the middle of other kids nap/snack/reading times is usually when something will come up, and it's too late or not a good time to annoy other people with my incessant new mommy concerns/questions.

Fact is, I am still getting the hang of this stuff, but who isn't? What mom or dad out there isn't constantly second guessing themselves and each and every decision you make throughout your day when it comes to the concerns of your children?

So, the one thing I have learned is that as a new parent, old parent, single parent, parent of an only child or several children is that you never get to a point where you think you know all of the answers. The one thing that I am not alone about in all of this parenting stuff is that I will never be 100% sure about anything ever again other than the fact that I want nothing more than the best for my child. I also know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Not me, not my friends, not my sister and not my mom. I also know that they know that, and having realized that little piece of information makes me a part of a group of people bigger than I could've ever imagined, and that makes me feel just a little less lonely.

40+5 (originally posted 3/31/2010)

I suppose if there was any time to be reflective, now is probably as good a time as any.. I am over 40 weeks pregnant, and for those of you keeping track, that means that the baby TECHNICALLY should have been here 5 days ago...Although, I am pretty sure whatever she's using to track the time that has passed inside my warm, comfy womb isn't following the same time guidelines as I am. In other words, she has her own agenda.

So, here I am out of work.. Sitting, waiting, and contemplating the question that I am sure every mom-in-waiting asks themselves at this point.. "What the hell are you waiting for?".

The room is set up all pink and yellow and clean...The clothes, towels, sheets and socks have all been washed in super baby-friendly detergent sworn not to irritate my newborns skin. The Fridge and freezer are stocked and packed with 'family-friendly' meals ready for an in-between breastfeeding heat up in the Microwave or oven when the food that everyone is waiting to cook for me and my new family runs out. The grandparents are all here, waiting with baited breath and arguing over who gets to see the baby when. My husband has been on 'alert' like a freedom fighter for 2 weeks now ready to jet from Roslyn back to Rocky Point at the first sign of rogue water leakage or consistent contractions..

And here I sit.. BORED OUT OF MY EVER LOVING MIND... Fielding 150 phone calls, text messages and Facebook wall messages a day from well meaning people about the impending arrival of my (apparently) shy baby girl....Waiting.

At this time, many people have offered their input and advice about my upcoming foray into parenthood.. How many times have how many people told me to 'get a lot of sleep now while I still can'? Really? How many of you slept for like 16 hours at a time PRIOR to the births of your children, and after the baby is born were able to say "I guess it's time to use one of those banked sleep hours, I am SO tired.. Thank goodness that I stored up all those extras"'? Just curious.

Recently, Andre set up our TV to do a slideshow of all of our pictures when it's been idle for a while.. So yesterday I sat and watched it for a bit.. I noticed how quickly and effortlessly the pictures flashed up on the screen, and were there and gone in a matter of a few seconds, but just long enough for me to wonder if I have done everything up until this point that I feel I should have.

Random pictures fly by of us at a bar or at a party, a few sober but more not... Andre playing a show with Space Robot Scientists, and more recently Yes Sensei. Pictures of my family, friends and the love of my life dancing like fools at my wedding. Pictures of my nieces and nephews decorating Christmas cookies and Easter Eggs. Andre Djing at the bar I used to work at. A friend come and gone. Me, with a bunch of rowdy girls clad in short skirts and knee socks, with roller skates slung over our shoulders only thinking about the whether the next 20 minutes will score us enough points to FINALLY win a bout. Pictures of my husband and I kissing in the various locales that we have ventured to together in our 10 year courtship. Me, with a glass of wine in one hand and a close friends' arm around me, smiling widely and a minimum of 25 pounds lighter not knowing that less than a year later I would be awaiting the arrival of the most life changing event I will probably ever come to know.

Looking back and seeing what my life has been, and looking down at my ever-so-round belly (currently jumping every few seconds because someone I can't wait to know has the hiccups) I have realized that there is honestly no other place I'd rather be than here right now. I am truly beyond excited to start my own family and begin my own traditions. I realize that I will never again be able to experience the birth of my first child, and it brings tears to my eyes..

I sit up confidently and declare.. I am ready. I am scared and terrified, but I am a willing participant and I am ready. I think.