othermomaphobia

othermomaphobia: def-- The fear of meeting, talking to, seeking out or otherwise interacting with other moms.

On various occasion I have sat in my car on my way to a 'meetup' with other moms in the midst of a panic attack over meeting new mothers.. Running through all the possible scenarios in my head..

Will I be the frumpy mom? Will I be the weirdo mom? Will I be the too much of a leftist mom? Will they hate my because my daughter who I think is amazing, just recently started to 'adore' the word 'MINE!' and I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it yet? Will she ask to nurse in front of these women, leaving me stammering about my relentless and up-until recently failed attempts to wean her? Will I be scrutinized and begin to relive my no-so-happy elementary playground days of being a outcast, and having other girls chase me and throw sand in my hair?

As all of these thoughts are running through my head  and my heart is beating double-time, I convince myself that I am going to this meet up/library program/play date for my daughter. It's not about me, it's about her.. She needs friends. She needs playmates to learn from and play with. Just get out of the car. I decide if I need a quick close-friend pep talk, or am I OK today, and I can get passed the fear and walk into the building.  And it's not like I haven't been there before, I have met up with and still am very close to a few women from another mommy group (see prior post on Peace, Love and Mommyhood). Why should this be any different?

So the next step is going in and not making people think I am 'bitchy' mom by not immediately introducing myself to everyone in there, but often times I find it completely intimidating walking into a room of other moms who already know each other, and the names and birth dates of each others family members, and whether or not their kids like the crusts cut off their soy nut and organic blueberry jelly sandwiches.

No wonder I feel the way I do, these women are awful! All judgy and glaring eyes,  driving their BMW hatchbacks and wearing their J.crew sweaters and drinking their Starbucks lattes, while carrying their neatly groomed children's lunches in the cutest of reusable lunch totes, while chit-chatting with the other perfectly dressed moms and texting their CEO hubby's from their new I-phones..

Wait.. Whose being judgy? I haven't even walked in and I have pegged all of these moms as horrible, blood thirsty, mom-pires ready to suck any ounce of confidence and pride I take in my abilities as a good mom right out of my body.  Again, I tell myself to stop being awful and will myself into the building.

Needless to say, I have never been bitten by another mom. I can actually say, I have never been bitten by anyone at a play date before. And as time goes on, I realize that much like many phobias, spiders, heights, the sight of blood and needles, othermomaphobia is pretty real, but also completely able to be overcome. I have even met some amazing, non-judgmental, non-J.crew clad women who understand that kids are kids, and they don't hold it against me that my daughter might lash out at a child she feels is going to take something from her, or that the terrible twos are worse than normal that day. The fact is, I am pretty sure most moms feel the same anxiousness when walking into a scenario that might be unusual, strange or otherwise intimidating... And I get it. We aren't all going to get along. We aren't all going to parent the same way,  we all don't breastfeed, co sleep, or even like our kids (ha ha, just kidding) but we all have one thing in common, we are moms looking to do the best for our children.

I'll just remember to leave my soy latte in the car. :-)

The non-competitive edge

Ok, so here goes, and I *hope* I don't offend too many people by making the following statement. It's the statement that no moms are supposed to ever say, even though I know we all think it.

My kid is better than your kid.

She's cuter, funnier, prettier, smarter and overall outright more incredible than yours... why? Because she's mine. I don't care if your kid was potty trained at 3 months, walked at 5 months, dances the macarena in fast forward and can say their alphabet in English, Spanish, Hebrew, Hindi and Mongolian at 18 months.. My kid is still better...because she's mine.

Again, I know you are never supposed to say these things, but admit it.. even if you don't say it aloud, you know you've thought it.. Come on, it's just you and me... You know that you think your kid is better than every other kid out there, and I am here to tell you that it's cool that you think that, but my kid is still better. :-)

As parents, this is a normal thing. It's ok to think your kid is special.. As a matter of fact, I would worry about the parent whose like 'wow, you're kid is WAAAY cooler and much smarter than mine'...

As parents we are supposed to be amazed at the amount of things our kid can do at every age, and we are supposed to puff out our chests a little with each accomplishment, because with each one of the new amazing things that our kids do, it's a pat on the back for us as parents, telling us that we are in fact raising the coolest kid that ever lived.. It's all about validation, people. And who out there isn't in someway always searching for some validation?

As parents, competition for 'my kid did this first' and 'my kid did this better' is ingrained in who we are.. However, I want to try really hard not to do that. Of course you think your child and everything they do is amazing, because it's true. They are your flesh and blood. They are a deeper part of you and a more important part of your life than you ever thought possible. So it's natural to relish each moment. And with every new step taken  and every new word uttered you will honestly and truly  be unable to believe how amazing your kid is, and you will think it's insane that out of all the kids in the world,  how your child has to be the best that was ever created.

I'm pretty sure that the only people who are 'exempt' from this are grandparents, because they are 'supposed' to think that each of their grandchildren are the best in their own way.. From grandchild #1 and beyond (17  and counting in the case of my family), each one is special, amazing and incredible... But let's be honest, grandma and grandpa... Mine is the cutest, right?

The terrible what's now?

I am pretty sure everything I read said 'twos'.

 What I was expecting was a few days after the perfectly baked and decorated ND Birthday cake leftovers are tossed into the trash and the Thank You cards are ordered, that I would notice the beginnings of a subtle change.. A little defiance, a little harder time with understanding patience, a few more battles here and there over the things we already have a hard time with, getting diapers changed, not running away when I grab her coat, you know, things like that. And me, I would deal with these little changes with as much grace and patience as Mother Theresa herself, all the while gently guiding and helping my little girl to understand her new strong feelings of independence and self awareness..

Ha!

The terrible Two's (as someone so wrongly referred to them) have reared their ugly head in my  house at exactly at 21 and 1/2 months. Perhaps they are called the terrible twos because this awfulness continues throughout the age of two, in which case if this is JUST THE BEGINNING,  I am going to need new meditation techniques and A LOT of red wine to get through.

My daughter, who I affectionately refer to at desperate times as 'Sybil' woke up one morning as a new kid. My assumption is that the evil little fairy that sprinkles terrible two dust in the middle of the night on once perfectly well-behaved children heard me one too many times tell people how lucky I am that my daughter is so well behaved, and how she (up until recently) had been an absolute dream, and wanted to test that theory by giving her all the sass, gumption and strong-will she could manage to give her overnight. (I will end you, you evil little fairy!).  I just cannot comprehend how a child can be the picture of perfection at one moment, and very definition of  'the terrible two's' the next.

There are many times a day when I find my child stamping her feet, throwing herself on the floor, or outright just telling me 'no', that I find myself being tested not by her tantrums or defiance, but my own ability to see through all her insanity and realize that she is still the same lovable sweet kid, whose growing up before my eyes. I hope that one day all of the strong will and gumption that she has will be used to fight the many injustices of the world like prejudice, hate and ignorance and not just whether or not she can have M&M's before breakfast.

Peace, Love and Mommyhood (or, how I got to meet some of the coolest moms around!)

A little over a year ago, I joined a mommy group.. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made! I get to see my daughters eyes light up when she sees her little friends, and this mommy's eyes light up a bit too to see the ladies I have bounced things off of, complained to, laughed with, shared with and otherwise have grown to love!

When 'applying' to this group, they wanted you to give a rundown of who you are, what you are like and why you would be a good fit in this group.. I thought some of you would be interested to see what I wrote.. It sums me up in just a few paragraphs, and I love reading this email over and over to see where my head was at when I was still a SUPER NEW mommy!

Enjoy!

Hi J and D.. I wanted to reply to your message.. 

Yes, a four month old does make it difficult to have any sort of 'normal' conversation.. it's amazing to me how loud and distracting a baby so small really is!

Anyway, yes this group does sound a lot like something I am interested in.. I will divulge a little more into my lifestyle now that I am not limited by character amounts.. Hehe...My husband and I are the first of our 'friends' to have a child, so it goes without saying that I am finding myself having less and less in common with my friends. I am the youngest of 8 children in a blended family, and I have always been the one who was told I marched to the beat of my own drummer.. I rarely did what was expected of me, and often let my emotions and feelings make decisions for me, rather than doing what was considered 'the norm'.. Because of this, I had many acquaintances in my life, but few very close friends who totally understood my way of thinking.

 I finally found the perfect husband ( most of the time anyway, after all whose perfect?!).. he's a musician, a little bit of a geek, likes to cook and eat all sortsa weird foods, loves to camp and hike, and shares my political values, and together we finally found a group of friends (through my playing on an all female roller derby league) that we were able to click with... We are however what I call the 'test couple'.. we are the first ones to do everything.. buy a home, get married, have a baby. And for all the well-meaning people out there, basically since I have had the baby I have seen my friends a little more than a handful of times, and although I am not placing blame on my friends for not understand that I cannot just drop everything and go out for a drink, it was a little disheartening to finally have made friends who share so many of our likes and values and to now be the odd men out.. 

Anyway, when I came across the description of your group each line made my eyes light up and my heart jump a little bit more with every paragraph.. Could it be that there are people nearby who also have children who might think a little more outside of the box, or at least won't judge me for doing so? I was so excited!

Although I am very close to my family and couldn't live without them, as previously stated I am the 'black sheep' (hey, there's always one!) and many of the things and ways I plan to raise my daughter don't necessarily coincide with my LARGE families beliefs or customs, so in my eyes it was fate/kismet that I came across this group when I was really beginning to feel a little lonely and a lot like an outsider.. Also, I totally understand your discontent with other mommy groups, and as a matter of fact I was leery at first even joining meet up because I watch as my sister struggled with another group who were very cliquey and backstabby and she has pretty much lost all faith in mommy groups and has chosen to make friends and playmates other ways, so her warnings to me were very well heeded..

However after reading about your group I decided to give this one, and one other a try. I feel I want to expose Isabel to as much as I can while I am still able to.. I want to not only meet people for me, but I want her to be around other kids, and even though she is little, I would love for her to have a mini group of friends to be excited to see and have fun with all while being given the opportunity to grow and learn.. 

OK, I am done rambling now! Have a great night and I look forward to possibly meeting you ladies soon.

Take care, Danielle B.

1 and half years of insanity, happiness, smiles, tears and the best time ever!

I remember it like yesterday the first time I heard her go from saying 'ma-ma' to 'mommy'... I also have an image burned in my mind of what her faced looked like when she grabbed and ate a lemon off of my plate at a restaurant. The time she grabbed my keys, went to the door and pretended to use them in the doorknob makes me proud to see her getting the idea of concepts, and I smile and giggle to myself if I think about the way she laughs out loud when I blow 'zerberts' on her neck..

I also remember the times days when 2 cups of coffee just don't cut it.. The guilt I felt  when I had to put on a brave face  and hold my daughter down inside the blood lab when she was getting her 12 months blood work, and then how lost it as I was was only 1 foot back out the door that I held her for 15 minutes outside my car because I just didn't want her to feel hurt.

 Teaching myself that like any other hurdle in my life, exaustion is something to overcome and work through, and not be stopped or slowed down by. How deep breathing techniques sound awesome in theory until your 15 month old is screaming, throwing her food, or just telling you quite clearly to 'stop' while trying to change their poopy and really smelly messy diaper and then you can breath all you want, but you're pretty sure that you want to just go into a room and close the door and scream and jump up and down and stomp your feel until it makes you feel better.

How my heart melts each time she leans in for a kiss, comes up behind me a hugs my legs, or when she stands on the couch yelling 'bye bye mommy' each night when I get into the car to go to work.

I love that each Holiday that I have celebrated for the past 18 months is so much more special than I ever thought, making them so much more meaningful and important.How my little family of three is the most important thing in the world to me, and how I love each minute of time I get to spend with them.

I'm amazed how a little tushie could be even cuter at 18 months (if that's possible), and equally amazed at how often that though crosses my mind... And how hilarious I find it when I see it running away from me as quickly as possible the second the diaper is off and the opportunity presents itself!

How it boggles my mind that such a tiny person can have SO much energy on such little consecutive hours of sleep...

And lastly, that this thing called love grows exponentially everyday, and that just when I think it's not possible to feel anymore love, or that my heart can't get any fuller with adoration for my baby girl, I wake up another day and it's SO much more than the day before...

Thank you for the most amazing 18 months of my life, here's to SO many more.

 xoxoxooxo Mommy love you baby girl!

Veggies on the sly...

So there's a new wave of parenting that is 'tricking' their children into eating vegetables.. Hiding them in things like brownies, cookies, pies and breads.. So, it got me thinking. I totally understand the concept of having to get your children to eat veggies because of their overwhelming nutritional value, but do we really want to spend so much time hiding the kids veggies that they never learn to like just a piece of broccoli or a circle of squash? Do we really want to depend solely on using other vehicles to get your kids to eat their vegetables, especially the kinds of things that we don't necessarily want them eating all of the time anyway? How nutritive is a carrot if the carrot is in buttery, sugar cake? I mean, if the cake recipe is modified as well, perhaps that would make more sense, but this is not the case in many of the recipes I have seen.

And yes, by all means kids should eat their vegetables, and hopefully like the process.. But that might be a little far fetched for the picky kid, or the even more stressed parent. So, yes, I say by all means offer your kids smoothies with greens and other veggies, and also add some pumpkin puree to their brownie mix..

As a matter of fact, I have been known to add butternut squash to mac and cheese, and beets to 'red' velvet cupcakes, as well as pureed and shredded veggies in everything from sauce to quesadillas, but keep in mind that studies have shown that it takes a child an average of 10 times to try something new food wise and actually like it....10 times! So think back to all of the peas that have hit the floor and the carrots that were pushed away to the furthest point of the highchair and tiny little mouths clamped so tightly shut a grain of sand wouldn't get in and add in some arms that were thrown up into the air in veggie-surrender, and you probably have less than 10 attempts do to complete and utter frustration.. 10 is a very high number when it comes to the cost of food, and the assumption that even a little of that will go uneaten/wasted. But we need as parents to fight the good fight and keep offering these veggies.. In their ordinary, recognizable, un-smothered forms.. Stalks of broccoli, slices of peppers, chopped squash, etc..

Something I have begin to learn is that kids are little sponges and need to know tons about everything... The more information people have about things, the more likely they are to be comfortable. Perhaps if your child is involved in the process of acquiring these veggies, they might be more likely to eat them.. Now that summer is slowly creeping upon us, take your kids veggie/fruit picking, or to a local farmers market or farm stand... Even to the supermarket produce section.. Let them be apart of the process of choosing which veggies, how many, what color, etc. Make it interesting.. Take the veggies home, and if age appropriate, let them be apart of the cooking and preparation, even if it means just letting them wash and dry them. If they went through the 'trouble' to prepare them, I can pretty much guarantee that they will at least try them, which could be a step in the right direction.

In the meantime, there are some tried and true recipes that I have used (both sneaky and not!) to get my little lady to eat her veggies, feel free to try them and let me know if you have any of your own suggestions or modifications that you think work!

Cheesy-Spinach Nuggets

1 cup chopped frozen spinach , thawed and drained

1 egg

1/2 cup mashed potato or instant flakes (instant potatoes work great for this because they bind well, but if you have left over mashed potatoes, that's awesome too!)

1/4 cup Parmesan cheese

1/3 cup shredded cheese of your choice, we used organic mozzarella

1/2 cup whole wheat bread crumbs, plus more to roll them in..

Olive oil or other healthy fat oil in spray form

Preheat oven to 350...

Mix together all of the ingredients.. they should have a 'meatball' consistency, maybe a little dryer.. you can add a few drops of water if you feel that they aren't pliable enough.

Form a ball, roll it some of the whole wheat breadcrumbs and flatten the balls a little to give them a 'nugget' like appearance.. continue until all of the mix is used..

Spray cookie sheet with oil, place nuggets on sheet and spray tops of them..

Cook in oven for 10 minutes, flip and cook for another 5-8 minutes until they are crispy looking and golden.

For my little lady, I have to break them up into pieces.. but feel free to give your kids a whole nugget. The spinach is a pretty obvious taste in this, it's flavor doesn't get buried by the competitiveness of the potatoes or cheese, just complimented, so rest assured that this is a great way to introduce and continue a love for all things spinach-y!

Carrot, apple, raisin, ginger smoothie

2 medium carrots, washed and peeled if dirty, if not don't bother

1 medium apple, washed throughly if not organic... doesn't have to be peeled either

1/4 cup raisins

1/4 cup apple juice

1/4 teaspoon ginger root

( I also added a container of pureed organic green peas to this, because they were lying around uneaten and why not!?)

3-4 ice cubes

Add all ingredients to your blender, minus the ice cubes... Blend.

Add ice cubes, blend again..

Pour in cup... So here's the thing about this smoothie.. It tastes great, it's got zip from the ginger, which is also great for belly aches and helps aid in digestion, it's got raisins which is great for kids with pooping and constipation issues, it's got your apples and carrots (and peas), which a SUPER good for you and chock full of delicious vitamins.. I usually make a little extra because mommy and daddy like to drink this one too! It's also this awesomely vibrant orange color, which to little eyes is super appealing!

How to nourish the mind and body of a busy one year old (if I can catch her!)

I've been honestly working on this post for a month. It was supposed to be this amazing post about how amazing and incredible the past year with my daughter has been...

All sunshine and rainbows, peaches and cream, and all the lovey-dovey mommy stuff that dreams are made of! And it's true, my eyes teared, my heart ached, and my hormones kicked into overdrive about the fact that my little baby girl was turning a year old. And while I had the best intentions to write an amazing homage to her first year and how incredible it was for me, and I hope her, I just haven't had a minute... But while I lie awake at night, and have any moments of clarity and non-mommy brain fogginess, I think about how I can keep her safe and healthy..

I love to cook, and I love to watch my daughter eat what I cook, and I love to make things healthy and delicious...I am going to try my hand at blogging about what I cook for her, how she reacts and what she likes and dislikes... All of this as long as I can get her to sit down long enough to eat it, because I am sure as any other mother of a grasing toddler can attest, it's hard to coax them to sit down long enough to make sure they are eating anything at all, never mind all of the healthy things you'd like them to.

Anyone who has any questions about recipes, instructions, why I chose certain things, etc feel free to contact me.. Also, I love love love recipes and advice, so hit me up!