So long, Holiday season! Hello 2014..

Happy Holidays, and happy new year as well. It's been a while, but I haven't had much time to write lately. Mainly because my kids have mastered being up, or being up and napping at completely opposite times, therefore having one always awake. So, with the exception of night time, I get little time with both of them quiet, and at night when they are both finally awake I make an attempt to relax on my own, which turns into my sleeping within minutes. Since little one nurses at night pretty often, my sleep is still on and off.. Mostly off.

I am so happy to welcome in a new year. I am excited to see what Isabel will learn in her school. I am excited to see my little Olive keep growing, and do more and more everyday. 

This year, I resolved to not make any major resolutions. I hate being disappointing, and quite honestly, I am the worst at keeping promises to myself. I did however make a few. 

 I promise to my husband to be less crazy. I can be a little fly off the handle, high-strung, and kooky at time. I need to chill at little bit. I need to roll with it (anything, doesn't matter what) a little more. I need to let things just happen and enjoy the ride some times. I need to turn off my internal sensor that make me start to get jittery every time it seems that something I didn't plan is going to happen, or might happen, and freak out less about it. Some of the most amazing things can happen when you lose a little control. 

I resolve to spend more 'meaningful' time with my girls. Less TV, less screens of any kind. Less checking my email and text messages as often. Less stressing about laundry, cooking perfect meals, and housework. How does that saying go, messy house, happy kids? Not that I am going to turn my house into a haven of sloppiness and dirt, I realize that cooking and cleaning are essential to normal parts of life,  but it's ok to fold laundry once they have gone to sleep. It's also ok that it sits in the basket for a day. 

I resolve to learn from them how to be silly. I don't need to be so serious. I will laugh with Isabel when she makes her goofy faces, really laugh. And with Olive, I will rediscover the joy in everything. The things that make her smile and her eyes widen. Those moments that are all so fresh and new to her infant mind, and since she will be my last baby, I will savor each one. 

I resolve to fall in love again with my husband. Not that I ever fell out of love with him, but falling in love is the best part about being in love, so I want to do it over and over again. I want us to be stronger than ever. I want to take the time to notice the look when he gives it to me, so I get the butterflies in my belly like I used to. I want to kiss when we wake up, and when we go to sleep. I want to snuggle together on the couch while the kids are sleeping and talk about our lives. I want him to remember why we fell in love as much as I want to. 

I want to practice random acts of kindness more often. Not because it's trendy or something I HAVE to do, but because I love the way it feels to make people happy. When I was working at my job, I could do little things for patients like make an extra phone call to get something done. Bring them tea on a cold day when they are sitting in the waiting room shivering. Making an extra appointment for them so they don't have to go home and wait on hold. Since I am no longer working in order to stay at home with my girls, I want to be able to still feel that warmth, and teach them how great it feels to give without expecting anything in return. 

Most of all I resolve to take it easy on myself. I am determined to realize that I am never going to be the idealistic mother I have set myself up to fail at being. My life is what it is. I am not going to keep trying to live up to the pinterest boards that I have made. I am not going to start loving myself more. I am going to take me time. I am going to love my new body, and dress it accordingly. I am going to be aware that my daughters are my mirror. They reflect back what I am putting out in the world. I am going to give them body confidence, happiness and love for themselves. I will tell them everyday not only how amazing they are, but that they can be both smart and pretty and they will never need to chose between the two, regardless of what society tries to tell them. 

I am going to try to do all of these things, but since I am trying to be less hard on myself this year, I am going to take it slow. I am not going to be the 'gym' resolution person who goes 7 days for 3 hours and never goes again because they are too burnt out. I am taking my changes little by little, one step at a time. 

Now, I have to get back to making my homemade  Minnie mouse shaped kombucha cupcakes and then finish weaving my girls' clothes on the loom I picked up from freecycle while meeting up with someone to sell them my coconut oil lotion. 

Haha, just kidding. I am going to sit with my family on the couch while eating store-bought almond milk Ice cream sandwiches and  pretend to know the answers on jeopardy. 

Did superwoman wear sweatpants?

Ok, I have to admit it.. On paper (kind of), in print for everyone to see.

I am a little depressed. Not postpartum depressed. I am post C-section depressed.

After my last c-section I feel like I bounced back so much quicker. In reality, as I read back in my older posts (see Hips don't lie, 8/10/10) that isn't the case, but I feel like I felt more 'ok' with myself after having Isabel.

I realize it's only been just shy of five weeks, but something is amiss here. I feel squishy-er, lumpy-er, old-er. I feel like last time  I took so much pride in the fact that I was pregnant,  had a baby, and had these breasts that fed my baby. It was all so amazing, so meaningful. The stretch marks and the lack of being able to fit into my former wardrobe as quickly as I wanted took third row seating to the fact that I was a new parent wading through the new tide that had come in. The saggy-ness of my belly didn't bother me as much, and the thought of the '6 week- you can have sex  and exercise again' appointment made me excited, not terrified of someone seeing my post-baby body.

For some reason, this time has lost it's beauty and sense of wonder,. Maybe because I've been here before. I know this path. Wait out the 6 weeks, heal my body, set up a steady supply of milk for your child, feed on demand. All of this, and  now continue to move with the rest of your life.

 Baby came, you had three days in the hospital to heal enough to go home, now carry on.

Perhaps the reason I feel the way I do is because I'm unsure that I  gave myself enough time to let my mind catch up with my body about having had another child.

I was so quickly back to business as usual that I wonder if my mind has completely wrapped itself around the fact that the wound in my belly, the engorgement of my breasts, the spit up on my shirt, the bags under my eyes are all due to the tiny miracle I often carry on my chest.

 I once wrote that the scars, the stretch marks and the spit up are all badges of honor-- Not to be taken lightly. I have to stop stressing about what I am wearing, and accept that it's OK to wear sweatshirts and put my hair up sometimes (ok, all the time lately, as I have no desire to wear anything else unless I am going somewhere that sweat might be construed as sloppy/inappropriate).

I can still be  an amazing, well put together mom in comfy clothes. Does it really matter if I am well dressed driving my kid in the car back and forth to preschool and then sitting around my  house with a kid latched onto me most time? Does anyone REALLY care if I am wearing black yoga pants and a sweatshirt or tights and a trendy dress? Nope. Just me.

So with each quiet moment, I am going to try to remind myself once again that these stretch marks are going to fade. 6 weeks will come, and it will be OK once again for me to work out and stress about my jeans size.
 But for now, I will  give myself time to enjoy each cuddle with my new girl. I will not stress about my belly jiggling too much, or that my thighs don't have a proper gap. I will eat to nourish myself enough to nourish my baby. I will get back into a workout routine slowly, and not curse myself for missing a day because the girls were in need of extra snuggle time and by the time they were satisfied/asleep I was just too damn worn from the day to bother.
For now, I will wear sweatpants.

This mommy's life, blog redux

So, it's been a while since my last blog post.. I got so distracted and busy with everyday life that I forgot about doing anything I really enjoy, except for a few things.
 Most importantly, I got pregnant. ;-)

I gave birth to another baby girl Olive Luisa on Oct 21,  and needless to say I am still adjusting to life as a mommy of two. Make no mistake, it's really hard! So far these are some of the things I have learned:

1) It doesn't matter if you have a new baby or not, when you have a 2nd (3rd, 4th, 8th) child, the other ones still expect things from you.  They have needs.  Many, many needs! Such as, but not limited to: Eating, wearing clean clothes, being bathed, wanting to play, cuddle and be read to before bedtime. Alone. More than likely without their new sibling, which may make it more difficult should your spouse/partner/whatever not be home or around to  help you do so. Which if you don't understand what I am trying to say, means cooking, cleaning, rocking, doing laundry, reading, washing, carrying, etc on very little to no sleep regardless of c-section incision or stitches or pain.

2) Your older child(ren) is/are going to be pissed. And jealous. And you are going to feel awful. So horrible in fact that you are going to (in desperate times) wonder if it would have been better not to have had another one, because you never meant to make the one that already existed  feel as if they weren't good enough, or that you needed something different, or more.

It will make you cry, it will rip your heart out, and it will make you realize how much you love your children because only a person you love so much can make you worry about them doubting you or not knowing how much you REALLY love them.

3) You should have been born an octopus. Because having 8 arms would be incredible, and given the chance you would put them all to good use!

4) A 2nd baby isn't that hard, you've done this before. Feed, change, cuddle to sleep- repeat. Boom, you got this.
 A 2nd child is a whole other kettle of fish. Suddenly you are responsible for two lives. Two sets of car seat buckles, two mouths to feed, two butts to wipe (age depending), two sets of appointments,  two sizes of clothes to wash, fold and separate, and the list goes on. And on. And on.

So as much as you have the baby thing down pat, no one can prep you for juggling two kids and all that comes with it.

5) I am kind of awesome. On two occasions I have made life happen. I was there for it, I saw it all. I helped bring two incredible lives into this world. . Two beautiful, amazing, smart, sweet, cuddly, best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me lives.

6) Any day that I eat more than two meals and/or shower is a day worth celebrating.

 More often than not,  my days are filled with shirts covered in breast milk and spit up, eating only the crust left on my 3 year old's plate after she is finished and  finishing my morning cup of coffee (after having to reheat it at least three times) by 11am.  An actual meal and a hot (albeit probably only 5 minutes long) shower is like a dream come true.

7) There is no better place to be than when you are nursing a cuddly baby on the couch, and your three year old curls up next to you, snuggles in and sleepily tells you she loves you. Unconditional love. There's nothing quite like it. It's in moments like this when the clouds seem to part, and the sun peeks through, even if it's just briefly. Sometimes it's those little moments of calm that make all of the crap that proceeded it fall away.  These moments are so fleeting, if you blink you might miss it. However, if you are lucky enough to not be too stressed or overtired to notice them, they are just long enough to give you  incentive to keep on moving so you get to the next sweet and incredible moment.

Each day seems to be getting a little easier. Granted with each hurdle I leap, there is another to follow. Juggling doesn't seem any easier, but it looks less insurmountable. In time, I will look back at this first month and (hopefully, fingers crossed) it will seem like a distant memory, barely real. But until then, I will look forward to everything that having these two amazing little girls will bring me.

And I will keep muttering to myself on each sleepless night, over each tear from my eyes or moment of lost patience that 'This too shall pass'.

Until then.

My girls: Olive 4 weeks and Isabel 3.5 Years

Morning, Sweeties!

Ok, so this is my first food blog post, so be kind and keep in mind that I am the FURTHEST thing from a food photographer! 


I have eaten many a muffin in my day... And as they have increased in size, I have noticed a severe decrease in anything nutritious, healthy or containing vitamins of any sort. Listen, I am the first to say that sometimes there is nothing better than a chocolate chip muffin, toasted just enough to melt the chocolate a little bit..BUT, for my everyday kid friendly-waist friendly recipe I have to at least TRY to maintain some semblance of a healthy eating lifestyle. 





That being said... Who doesn't love carrot cake? Or Zucchini bread?! I do. A lot. I have lots of yummy memories surrounding both.. So, that prompted me to start researching and opening my recipe files, and I found the recipe for a 'morning glory' muffin, which if you have never had it, you are definitely missing out! It's a yummy blend of carrots, coconut, apples and pineapple in muffin form with the crunch of nuts and the chewiness of raisins throughout.. 


So, with a few tweaks, substitutions and additions, I created my 'Morning, Sweetie! Muffins'.. because there is nothing that says good morning to the people you love like the smell of something amazing in the oven that you can feel good about feeding your family! 

Morning, Sweetie! Muffins 

Adapted from: Earthbound Farm's culinary consultant, Chef Pam McKinstry's Original Morning Glory Muffin Recipe

Ingredients
1/2 cup white sugar
3/4 cup light brown sugar
1 cup whole wheat flour 
1 1/4 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup sweetened shredded coconut 
1/4 cup unsweetened shredded coconut (use a 1/2 of the sweetened if you don't have/can't find the unsweetened version, no biggie!) 
1/2 raisins
1/4 cup craisins (dried cranberries, or just use 3/4 of all raisins or all craisins of you want, makes no difference!)
1 large apple, peeled and grated
1 cup crushed pineapple, drained. 
1 cup grated carrots
1 cup grated zucchini
1/2 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans ( I omitted this to make them allergy friendly!) 
3 large eggs
1/2 cup vegetable or coconut oil
1/2 applesauce
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 Tablespoon Cinnamon
1.5 teaspoons nutmeg 
Note: this recipe is easily made vegan by omitting the 3 eggs and using the flax seed egg conversion, or a powdered egg replacement. 

Position a rack in the lower third of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F.

Grate carrots, apple and zucchini into a bowl, set aside. 

Sift or whisk together the sugars, flours, baking soda and salt into a large bowl.

  

Add the coconut, dried fruit, apple, pineapple, carrots and nuts (if using), and stir to combine.

In a separate bowl, whisk the eggs with the oil, applesauce, spices and vanilla.  Pour into the bowl with the dry ingredients and blend well.

Spoon the batter into muffin tins lined with muffin cups, filling each to the brim. Bake for 35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean. Cool muffins in the pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a rack to finish cooling.

This is  good time to clean! 

Enjoy! 

i needed a challenge...or maybe a project

So, this is less about my daughter and more about well, me. I know that new year's resolutions are so....how can I put this? Silly, cliché, and not to mention possibly damaging to ones self esteem should you fail and fall into the 70% category of people who give up on their resolutions before the end of January.

So since I already try and keep to a healthy lifestyle, I wanted a challenge that would benefit not just me but my whole family, and help us all strive for positive change, but also make it something that  I can achieve with some ease, and being able to keep to my challenge while also keeping the somewhat nutty schedule that I do...

For those that know me, you know I love to cook, and cooking healthy is something that is important to me...and my ability to do so while making the food palatable to an almost three year old, a somewhat finicky Puerto Rican, and myself.

So here's the plan... OK, gonna attempt to blog what I cook, what my family's reaction is, and how I made it.

I am also going to make things as healthy, UN processed, and yummy as I can... I am also going to try to home make our treats, and snacks...in figure, if I make it, at least I know what's in it....

So, stay tuned...my plan is to have the first one up as soon as humanly possible. And yes, I know... Another food blog...blah. Deal with it, lol. I promise it will still have plenty of snarky mommy humor and quips about my little lady and the man in our life.

If there is any food, snack, or something special you'd like me to tackle, please feel free to comment, it'll make the challenge that much more fun!

Thanks everyone!

Ch ch ch changes.. and a little mush.

So much has changed since I last wrote. So much in fact that it has taken me weeks of staring at my blank 'new post' screen to even put the ideas into something resembling a complete thought.

I have yet to have written this publicly but as many people know, in September my husband lost his job. This threw our entire lives into upheaval. Between panic, tears and scrambling to figure things out, I haven't stopped very long to actually put into perspective what happened here..

Doing what every mother instinctively does, I tried to nurture those around me, and make everyone feel OK with the situation. I made one of the hardest decisions I had to, which was to go back to work during the daytime. I didn't have to. I mean, for lack of any other money making option, I guess I did.. but I could have  been bitchy and complain-y (more so, I guess) and said that I wasn't changing anything, that he lost his job and that he needed to fix it. But that's not what partners do.

Marriage is give and take,
and in this situation I HAD to give,
and with each day that passes, it seems like a lot.

And while I tear up a lot lately getting used to the idea of my husband being home with her, getting to take her to her library programs, put her hair in pigtails and chose what kind of waffle she will eat in the morning, let me enlighten you about my husband a little bit.


My husband had been working at a miserable job to keep up afloat. He swallowed his pride every morning he used to have to go to work to be belittled and eat shit all day by his former employers because he knew he had to make money to take care of his family. It was killing him, his spirit and his kindness and sense of self worth and it was not paying nearly enough to deal with a third of the garbage he had to put up with.

He's 1 and ( a little less than) a half months away from graduation for his Master's Degree (in addition to which he also got a Project Management Certificate) which has taken him a LONNNNNG 4 years of stress, sitting in a cold basement, missing family gatherings/holiday celebrations, early mornings, late nights, pre-and postnatal craziness (well me, but him by default) and did I say stress (?).. He's so close they've probably almost printed his name in his diploma, and I couldn't be more proud.

He spends each moment of every day worrying. He worries about money. He worries about how he will take care of his family. He worries about me and Isabel, and wants to be sure we are safe and happy. He worries he will disappoint me. He worries about  Isabel and hopes she will grow up to be a good person, and  hopes we are doing the best we can. He worries about bills, and late charges and finance rates.. and I wish he wouldn't worry so much.

He's the most loving, dependable and caring man I could have ever asked for. Isabel is lucky to have him as her daddy, and I am truly blessed to have him walk by my side in this crazy life we live together. He's always got my back, and although I can seem adverse to a lot of his 'hair-brained' ideas, I know for a fact that he only does all of the things he does for Isabel and I. We come before him. Or happiness, our safety, our security.. it comes before his and I want him to know that I realize that.

Thank you, Mr. Bermudez for all of your hard work and love.



I love you always.

When good girls go bad..

No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's pretty much what I hear from the minute I wake up, until her tiny little eyelids fall closed at night. Apparently my daughters has not only learned the meaning of the word, she uses it often when I really want to hear anything but.. 

"Izzy, let's go change your diaper" "no!"

"Isabel do you want to eat?"' "nooooo"

"Isabel, don't touch that please!" "No, no, nooooooooooooooo!"

Okay okay, I guess calling her 'bad' isn't the nicest, most pc-mommy thing to do, but COME ON people!

I prayed every night for about a month prior to her 2nd birthday that she would not be a terrible two.. that the little 'moment' we had at about 18 months was the worst of it, and that the days after her 2nd birthday would be a bliss-filled cakewalk, while I scoffed at all the tantruming kids on the floors of supermarkets  reducing  their now teary-eyed and hoarse (from screaming) moms to mom-zombies whowould plead, beg and near lose their minds for just a glimpse of the child they *thought* they knew.

This was and is in fact, not the case. So, instead of just assuming that a) there is no God who would've  listened to my pleading for a well behaved child, or b) She/he was far too busy listening to the other moms with bigger and far more pressing issues, She/he decided to arm me with  books about deep breathing exercises, a night job and (lots of) wine to get through the part of my little girls life where she needs me so deeply, yet wants so intensely to express her independence that it often creates a storm between us.. Something similar to what creates a tornado; hot and cold air, running amok in the atmosphere. A strong vortex that sucks up all the energy, good and bad leaving a mess of destruction in it's wake..

Ok, so that was a little melodramatic, but you get the idea.

Who knew two-year old's were such complex little creatures? I never knew that such a strong desire for a particular outcome thwarted by an inability to complete or fulfill said desire could cause such an boiling over of emotions, (often times resulting in a display of floor exercises that could rival an Olympic athlete)? And while I feel that these moments last forever, in reality they are one just a quick moment out of my whole day, after which she is back to her sweet and loving self again.

Who knew that at the end of the day, it wouldn't matter. Each tantrum no matter how big or small isn't something we can't get through, regardless of how insane, destructive, embarrassing or over-dramatic. At the end of the day, we all put our heads down and sleep (hopefully!) and dream the day away. We cleanse our hearts and minds, and wake up again hoping that the brightness of the sun and the promise of a new day will wash away the insanity of the day before. Or at the very  least, gain the energy to deal with the craziness of yet another day with a two year old.

I am quickly learning that no one ever died from being told no (or at least, I don't think so), and me inciting a tantrum is not a question of my ability as a mother, but how I deal with it and all of the challenges of being mommy brings is. I don't expect to deal with all of them (or even 50% of them) perfectly, but I can try.

 And in the meantime, I have to start getting used to this, because I keep hearing that three is worse.. (gasp!)

And now...a moment of clarity.

I have spent the past (a little over) two years worrying, probably giving myself unnecessary wrinkles, dark circles and ulcers over being the mommy I always wanted. The mommy who knew exactly what you wanted for your birthday, the kind of cake to bake and the one that always called you at the exact time you were born every year, even if that moment was in the middle of the night.

The mom who kissed away your boo-boos and tears, one who was  there waving goodbye when you got on the bus in the morning, and smiling excitedly when you got off the bus after school. But unfortunately, as Isabel got Andre and I  by chance, circumstance and a dash of science and biology, I couldn't chose my mom.

Just because my mother wasn't the exact mom I would have wanted, still want or chose, doesn't mean that I would change anything. If I didn't have my mother, I would have never become the person I am today. I would have never learned that being a mother is so much more than a title, and that much like adopted children, it doesn't matter who gives birth to you, you don't need to be tied to someone by blood to have them be family. You don't need to come from the belly of the person who will love you most... And while I hope that Isabel never has to feel the disappointment I have felt from my own mother, I was very fortunate to  know the love of a mother, (while not mine by birth) who loves me unconditionally.

I also learned that the little things do matter some of the time, when the little things are cuddling on the couch or making cookies on rainy days. Walking hand in hand picking flowers when it's sunny, or playing in the sprinkler outside on hot days. Or holding each other close in bed, cuddling as if life depends on it. Giggling in the bath, blowing bubbles, and kissing each other goodnight.

So much of my time is spent worrying.... How will I get it all done? How can I clean the house, make the perfect meal, do the laundry, teach her her ABC's and make sure she doesn't watch too much TV, and still get through a nights work? How does everyone else, some with multiple children, make it all look so easy? They all secretly have maids and nannies, don't they? Magic spells from 'the book of mommy magic', that is apparently harder to get a copy of the than the 50 shades trilogy?

And often, the time I don't spend worrying, I spend feeling guilty.. Guility for wanting time to myself. Wanting to be just me, not mommy-me, not wife-me, or work-me, just me.  Danielle me. To go shopping without worrying about what needs to be done at home and who might be missing me in my absence. Agonizing over wanting to leave my kid totally safely with another mom in a local gym nursery, that I will be 5 feet from so I can workout and feel better about myself which will hopefully improve my overall mood, any maybe make me a better mom. Guilt over sitting on the computer or eating a whine-free lunch during nap time instead of using that time more 'wisely' to get dinner made, or the cleaning done.

So, my moment of clarity came to me while I was driving home last night from work. Why all the stress? Why all the guilt? I am doing the best I know how, and the outcome has been pretty amazing.

I am not the perfect mom. I am the only mom I know how to be. I will learn from the mistakes of those before me, and take (with caution) the advice of those around me.

I will not spend all of my time agonizing over what I feed my child, how we spend our days, and whether everyone else is happy with the way my child is being raised.

I will no longer concern myself with being the 'perfect' mom. I will everyday grow, and learn with my daughter, and I will try to concentrate being a better mom. Not a better mom than my own. Not better than my sisters or my friends. But I will always work on being the best mom I can be.

othermomaphobia

othermomaphobia: def-- The fear of meeting, talking to, seeking out or otherwise interacting with other moms.

On various occasion I have sat in my car on my way to a 'meetup' with other moms in the midst of a panic attack over meeting new mothers.. Running through all the possible scenarios in my head..

Will I be the frumpy mom? Will I be the weirdo mom? Will I be the too much of a leftist mom? Will they hate my because my daughter who I think is amazing, just recently started to 'adore' the word 'MINE!' and I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it yet? Will she ask to nurse in front of these women, leaving me stammering about my relentless and up-until recently failed attempts to wean her? Will I be scrutinized and begin to relive my no-so-happy elementary playground days of being a outcast, and having other girls chase me and throw sand in my hair?

As all of these thoughts are running through my head  and my heart is beating double-time, I convince myself that I am going to this meet up/library program/play date for my daughter. It's not about me, it's about her.. She needs friends. She needs playmates to learn from and play with. Just get out of the car. I decide if I need a quick close-friend pep talk, or am I OK today, and I can get passed the fear and walk into the building.  And it's not like I haven't been there before, I have met up with and still am very close to a few women from another mommy group (see prior post on Peace, Love and Mommyhood). Why should this be any different?

So the next step is going in and not making people think I am 'bitchy' mom by not immediately introducing myself to everyone in there, but often times I find it completely intimidating walking into a room of other moms who already know each other, and the names and birth dates of each others family members, and whether or not their kids like the crusts cut off their soy nut and organic blueberry jelly sandwiches.

No wonder I feel the way I do, these women are awful! All judgy and glaring eyes,  driving their BMW hatchbacks and wearing their J.crew sweaters and drinking their Starbucks lattes, while carrying their neatly groomed children's lunches in the cutest of reusable lunch totes, while chit-chatting with the other perfectly dressed moms and texting their CEO hubby's from their new I-phones..

Wait.. Whose being judgy? I haven't even walked in and I have pegged all of these moms as horrible, blood thirsty, mom-pires ready to suck any ounce of confidence and pride I take in my abilities as a good mom right out of my body.  Again, I tell myself to stop being awful and will myself into the building.

Needless to say, I have never been bitten by another mom. I can actually say, I have never been bitten by anyone at a play date before. And as time goes on, I realize that much like many phobias, spiders, heights, the sight of blood and needles, othermomaphobia is pretty real, but also completely able to be overcome. I have even met some amazing, non-judgmental, non-J.crew clad women who understand that kids are kids, and they don't hold it against me that my daughter might lash out at a child she feels is going to take something from her, or that the terrible twos are worse than normal that day. The fact is, I am pretty sure most moms feel the same anxiousness when walking into a scenario that might be unusual, strange or otherwise intimidating... And I get it. We aren't all going to get along. We aren't all going to parent the same way,  we all don't breastfeed, co sleep, or even like our kids (ha ha, just kidding) but we all have one thing in common, we are moms looking to do the best for our children.

I'll just remember to leave my soy latte in the car. :-)

The non-competitive edge

Ok, so here goes, and I *hope* I don't offend too many people by making the following statement. It's the statement that no moms are supposed to ever say, even though I know we all think it.

My kid is better than your kid.

She's cuter, funnier, prettier, smarter and overall outright more incredible than yours... why? Because she's mine. I don't care if your kid was potty trained at 3 months, walked at 5 months, dances the macarena in fast forward and can say their alphabet in English, Spanish, Hebrew, Hindi and Mongolian at 18 months.. My kid is still better...because she's mine.

Again, I know you are never supposed to say these things, but admit it.. even if you don't say it aloud, you know you've thought it.. Come on, it's just you and me... You know that you think your kid is better than every other kid out there, and I am here to tell you that it's cool that you think that, but my kid is still better. :-)

As parents, this is a normal thing. It's ok to think your kid is special.. As a matter of fact, I would worry about the parent whose like 'wow, you're kid is WAAAY cooler and much smarter than mine'...

As parents we are supposed to be amazed at the amount of things our kid can do at every age, and we are supposed to puff out our chests a little with each accomplishment, because with each one of the new amazing things that our kids do, it's a pat on the back for us as parents, telling us that we are in fact raising the coolest kid that ever lived.. It's all about validation, people. And who out there isn't in someway always searching for some validation?

As parents, competition for 'my kid did this first' and 'my kid did this better' is ingrained in who we are.. However, I want to try really hard not to do that. Of course you think your child and everything they do is amazing, because it's true. They are your flesh and blood. They are a deeper part of you and a more important part of your life than you ever thought possible. So it's natural to relish each moment. And with every new step taken  and every new word uttered you will honestly and truly  be unable to believe how amazing your kid is, and you will think it's insane that out of all the kids in the world,  how your child has to be the best that was ever created.

I'm pretty sure that the only people who are 'exempt' from this are grandparents, because they are 'supposed' to think that each of their grandchildren are the best in their own way.. From grandchild #1 and beyond (17  and counting in the case of my family), each one is special, amazing and incredible... But let's be honest, grandma and grandpa... Mine is the cutest, right?

The terrible what's now?

I am pretty sure everything I read said 'twos'.

 What I was expecting was a few days after the perfectly baked and decorated ND Birthday cake leftovers are tossed into the trash and the Thank You cards are ordered, that I would notice the beginnings of a subtle change.. A little defiance, a little harder time with understanding patience, a few more battles here and there over the things we already have a hard time with, getting diapers changed, not running away when I grab her coat, you know, things like that. And me, I would deal with these little changes with as much grace and patience as Mother Theresa herself, all the while gently guiding and helping my little girl to understand her new strong feelings of independence and self awareness..

Ha!

The terrible Two's (as someone so wrongly referred to them) have reared their ugly head in my  house at exactly at 21 and 1/2 months. Perhaps they are called the terrible twos because this awfulness continues throughout the age of two, in which case if this is JUST THE BEGINNING,  I am going to need new meditation techniques and A LOT of red wine to get through.

My daughter, who I affectionately refer to at desperate times as 'Sybil' woke up one morning as a new kid. My assumption is that the evil little fairy that sprinkles terrible two dust in the middle of the night on once perfectly well-behaved children heard me one too many times tell people how lucky I am that my daughter is so well behaved, and how she (up until recently) had been an absolute dream, and wanted to test that theory by giving her all the sass, gumption and strong-will she could manage to give her overnight. (I will end you, you evil little fairy!).  I just cannot comprehend how a child can be the picture of perfection at one moment, and very definition of  'the terrible two's' the next.

There are many times a day when I find my child stamping her feet, throwing herself on the floor, or outright just telling me 'no', that I find myself being tested not by her tantrums or defiance, but my own ability to see through all her insanity and realize that she is still the same lovable sweet kid, whose growing up before my eyes. I hope that one day all of the strong will and gumption that she has will be used to fight the many injustices of the world like prejudice, hate and ignorance and not just whether or not she can have M&M's before breakfast.

Peace, Love and Mommyhood (or, how I got to meet some of the coolest moms around!)

A little over a year ago, I joined a mommy group.. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made! I get to see my daughters eyes light up when she sees her little friends, and this mommy's eyes light up a bit too to see the ladies I have bounced things off of, complained to, laughed with, shared with and otherwise have grown to love!

When 'applying' to this group, they wanted you to give a rundown of who you are, what you are like and why you would be a good fit in this group.. I thought some of you would be interested to see what I wrote.. It sums me up in just a few paragraphs, and I love reading this email over and over to see where my head was at when I was still a SUPER NEW mommy!

Enjoy!

Hi J and D.. I wanted to reply to your message.. 

Yes, a four month old does make it difficult to have any sort of 'normal' conversation.. it's amazing to me how loud and distracting a baby so small really is!

Anyway, yes this group does sound a lot like something I am interested in.. I will divulge a little more into my lifestyle now that I am not limited by character amounts.. Hehe...My husband and I are the first of our 'friends' to have a child, so it goes without saying that I am finding myself having less and less in common with my friends. I am the youngest of 8 children in a blended family, and I have always been the one who was told I marched to the beat of my own drummer.. I rarely did what was expected of me, and often let my emotions and feelings make decisions for me, rather than doing what was considered 'the norm'.. Because of this, I had many acquaintances in my life, but few very close friends who totally understood my way of thinking.

 I finally found the perfect husband ( most of the time anyway, after all whose perfect?!).. he's a musician, a little bit of a geek, likes to cook and eat all sortsa weird foods, loves to camp and hike, and shares my political values, and together we finally found a group of friends (through my playing on an all female roller derby league) that we were able to click with... We are however what I call the 'test couple'.. we are the first ones to do everything.. buy a home, get married, have a baby. And for all the well-meaning people out there, basically since I have had the baby I have seen my friends a little more than a handful of times, and although I am not placing blame on my friends for not understand that I cannot just drop everything and go out for a drink, it was a little disheartening to finally have made friends who share so many of our likes and values and to now be the odd men out.. 

Anyway, when I came across the description of your group each line made my eyes light up and my heart jump a little bit more with every paragraph.. Could it be that there are people nearby who also have children who might think a little more outside of the box, or at least won't judge me for doing so? I was so excited!

Although I am very close to my family and couldn't live without them, as previously stated I am the 'black sheep' (hey, there's always one!) and many of the things and ways I plan to raise my daughter don't necessarily coincide with my LARGE families beliefs or customs, so in my eyes it was fate/kismet that I came across this group when I was really beginning to feel a little lonely and a lot like an outsider.. Also, I totally understand your discontent with other mommy groups, and as a matter of fact I was leery at first even joining meet up because I watch as my sister struggled with another group who were very cliquey and backstabby and she has pretty much lost all faith in mommy groups and has chosen to make friends and playmates other ways, so her warnings to me were very well heeded..

However after reading about your group I decided to give this one, and one other a try. I feel I want to expose Isabel to as much as I can while I am still able to.. I want to not only meet people for me, but I want her to be around other kids, and even though she is little, I would love for her to have a mini group of friends to be excited to see and have fun with all while being given the opportunity to grow and learn.. 

OK, I am done rambling now! Have a great night and I look forward to possibly meeting you ladies soon.

Take care, Danielle B.

1 and half years of insanity, happiness, smiles, tears and the best time ever!

I remember it like yesterday the first time I heard her go from saying 'ma-ma' to 'mommy'... I also have an image burned in my mind of what her faced looked like when she grabbed and ate a lemon off of my plate at a restaurant. The time she grabbed my keys, went to the door and pretended to use them in the doorknob makes me proud to see her getting the idea of concepts, and I smile and giggle to myself if I think about the way she laughs out loud when I blow 'zerberts' on her neck..

I also remember the times days when 2 cups of coffee just don't cut it.. The guilt I felt  when I had to put on a brave face  and hold my daughter down inside the blood lab when she was getting her 12 months blood work, and then how lost it as I was was only 1 foot back out the door that I held her for 15 minutes outside my car because I just didn't want her to feel hurt.

 Teaching myself that like any other hurdle in my life, exaustion is something to overcome and work through, and not be stopped or slowed down by. How deep breathing techniques sound awesome in theory until your 15 month old is screaming, throwing her food, or just telling you quite clearly to 'stop' while trying to change their poopy and really smelly messy diaper and then you can breath all you want, but you're pretty sure that you want to just go into a room and close the door and scream and jump up and down and stomp your feel until it makes you feel better.

How my heart melts each time she leans in for a kiss, comes up behind me a hugs my legs, or when she stands on the couch yelling 'bye bye mommy' each night when I get into the car to go to work.

I love that each Holiday that I have celebrated for the past 18 months is so much more special than I ever thought, making them so much more meaningful and important.How my little family of three is the most important thing in the world to me, and how I love each minute of time I get to spend with them.

I'm amazed how a little tushie could be even cuter at 18 months (if that's possible), and equally amazed at how often that though crosses my mind... And how hilarious I find it when I see it running away from me as quickly as possible the second the diaper is off and the opportunity presents itself!

How it boggles my mind that such a tiny person can have SO much energy on such little consecutive hours of sleep...

And lastly, that this thing called love grows exponentially everyday, and that just when I think it's not possible to feel anymore love, or that my heart can't get any fuller with adoration for my baby girl, I wake up another day and it's SO much more than the day before...

Thank you for the most amazing 18 months of my life, here's to SO many more.

 xoxoxooxo Mommy love you baby girl!

Veggies on the sly...

So there's a new wave of parenting that is 'tricking' their children into eating vegetables.. Hiding them in things like brownies, cookies, pies and breads.. So, it got me thinking. I totally understand the concept of having to get your children to eat veggies because of their overwhelming nutritional value, but do we really want to spend so much time hiding the kids veggies that they never learn to like just a piece of broccoli or a circle of squash? Do we really want to depend solely on using other vehicles to get your kids to eat their vegetables, especially the kinds of things that we don't necessarily want them eating all of the time anyway? How nutritive is a carrot if the carrot is in buttery, sugar cake? I mean, if the cake recipe is modified as well, perhaps that would make more sense, but this is not the case in many of the recipes I have seen.

And yes, by all means kids should eat their vegetables, and hopefully like the process.. But that might be a little far fetched for the picky kid, or the even more stressed parent. So, yes, I say by all means offer your kids smoothies with greens and other veggies, and also add some pumpkin puree to their brownie mix..

As a matter of fact, I have been known to add butternut squash to mac and cheese, and beets to 'red' velvet cupcakes, as well as pureed and shredded veggies in everything from sauce to quesadillas, but keep in mind that studies have shown that it takes a child an average of 10 times to try something new food wise and actually like it....10 times! So think back to all of the peas that have hit the floor and the carrots that were pushed away to the furthest point of the highchair and tiny little mouths clamped so tightly shut a grain of sand wouldn't get in and add in some arms that were thrown up into the air in veggie-surrender, and you probably have less than 10 attempts do to complete and utter frustration.. 10 is a very high number when it comes to the cost of food, and the assumption that even a little of that will go uneaten/wasted. But we need as parents to fight the good fight and keep offering these veggies.. In their ordinary, recognizable, un-smothered forms.. Stalks of broccoli, slices of peppers, chopped squash, etc..

Something I have begin to learn is that kids are little sponges and need to know tons about everything... The more information people have about things, the more likely they are to be comfortable. Perhaps if your child is involved in the process of acquiring these veggies, they might be more likely to eat them.. Now that summer is slowly creeping upon us, take your kids veggie/fruit picking, or to a local farmers market or farm stand... Even to the supermarket produce section.. Let them be apart of the process of choosing which veggies, how many, what color, etc. Make it interesting.. Take the veggies home, and if age appropriate, let them be apart of the cooking and preparation, even if it means just letting them wash and dry them. If they went through the 'trouble' to prepare them, I can pretty much guarantee that they will at least try them, which could be a step in the right direction.

In the meantime, there are some tried and true recipes that I have used (both sneaky and not!) to get my little lady to eat her veggies, feel free to try them and let me know if you have any of your own suggestions or modifications that you think work!

Cheesy-Spinach Nuggets

1 cup chopped frozen spinach , thawed and drained

1 egg

1/2 cup mashed potato or instant flakes (instant potatoes work great for this because they bind well, but if you have left over mashed potatoes, that's awesome too!)

1/4 cup Parmesan cheese

1/3 cup shredded cheese of your choice, we used organic mozzarella

1/2 cup whole wheat bread crumbs, plus more to roll them in..

Olive oil or other healthy fat oil in spray form

Preheat oven to 350...

Mix together all of the ingredients.. they should have a 'meatball' consistency, maybe a little dryer.. you can add a few drops of water if you feel that they aren't pliable enough.

Form a ball, roll it some of the whole wheat breadcrumbs and flatten the balls a little to give them a 'nugget' like appearance.. continue until all of the mix is used..

Spray cookie sheet with oil, place nuggets on sheet and spray tops of them..

Cook in oven for 10 minutes, flip and cook for another 5-8 minutes until they are crispy looking and golden.

For my little lady, I have to break them up into pieces.. but feel free to give your kids a whole nugget. The spinach is a pretty obvious taste in this, it's flavor doesn't get buried by the competitiveness of the potatoes or cheese, just complimented, so rest assured that this is a great way to introduce and continue a love for all things spinach-y!

Carrot, apple, raisin, ginger smoothie

2 medium carrots, washed and peeled if dirty, if not don't bother

1 medium apple, washed throughly if not organic... doesn't have to be peeled either

1/4 cup raisins

1/4 cup apple juice

1/4 teaspoon ginger root

( I also added a container of pureed organic green peas to this, because they were lying around uneaten and why not!?)

3-4 ice cubes

Add all ingredients to your blender, minus the ice cubes... Blend.

Add ice cubes, blend again..

Pour in cup... So here's the thing about this smoothie.. It tastes great, it's got zip from the ginger, which is also great for belly aches and helps aid in digestion, it's got raisins which is great for kids with pooping and constipation issues, it's got your apples and carrots (and peas), which a SUPER good for you and chock full of delicious vitamins.. I usually make a little extra because mommy and daddy like to drink this one too! It's also this awesomely vibrant orange color, which to little eyes is super appealing!

How to nourish the mind and body of a busy one year old (if I can catch her!)

I've been honestly working on this post for a month. It was supposed to be this amazing post about how amazing and incredible the past year with my daughter has been...

All sunshine and rainbows, peaches and cream, and all the lovey-dovey mommy stuff that dreams are made of! And it's true, my eyes teared, my heart ached, and my hormones kicked into overdrive about the fact that my little baby girl was turning a year old. And while I had the best intentions to write an amazing homage to her first year and how incredible it was for me, and I hope her, I just haven't had a minute... But while I lie awake at night, and have any moments of clarity and non-mommy brain fogginess, I think about how I can keep her safe and healthy..

I love to cook, and I love to watch my daughter eat what I cook, and I love to make things healthy and delicious...I am going to try my hand at blogging about what I cook for her, how she reacts and what she likes and dislikes... All of this as long as I can get her to sit down long enough to eat it, because I am sure as any other mother of a grasing toddler can attest, it's hard to coax them to sit down long enough to make sure they are eating anything at all, never mind all of the healthy things you'd like them to.

Anyone who has any questions about recipes, instructions, why I chose certain things, etc feel free to contact me.. Also, I love love love recipes and advice, so hit me up!

Oh, s*%t! !

Poopie, doo-doo, ca-ca, stinkies, and crap-- call it what you will, but after you have a baby it takes on a new meaning. I realized this fact this morning, after just under 11 months into my motherhood, I realize that poop and all of it's cutesy named friends mean a whole new world to me.

First, the general way in which it is spoken of by mother's and father's alike in everyday casual conversation; size, frequency, consistency, smell, color, and amount are all acceptable and almost expected things to talk about amongst other parents at play dates, dinner parties and get togethers.

Second, The 'sniff test'.. Yes, as a married person with no children, I never in a million years thought that it would be an acceptable practice in my household for me to pick up my child and say something like 'babe, sniff her butt, did she poop?' Alas, these words leave mouth pretty much at least once a day.

I also never thought that I would find it quite so hilarious as I did, when my husband took a deep inhale, and practically smushed his nose to my little girls (thankfully) completely clothed behind and got a good whiff of one of her most stinky diapers to date..to which he bellowed "come, on! Why did you make me do that?!" to which I laughed so hard, I cried and thought to myself, 'comes with the territory, my friend!'

I am pretty sure God punished my laughter a few minutes later when I went to go change my squirmy little person and while removing the offending diaper from underneath her less than cleanly tush, grabbed a handful of mushy hot poop instead. Gross..

Number 3.. Poop used to be a private thing... although as the famous potty training book says, everyone does it you had no reason to discuss it the way I do since I have been a parent. Not to mention that if and when the 'act' was taking place it was a time to go behind closed doors and take a few much needed moments to take care of business.. Nowadays, if I am alone with the baby I have to keep the door open for fear she will eat something off of the floor, break something, or hurt herself in someway.. There was a time only a few short months ago when she was content swinging in her swing while I took care of business, and if she was awake, I could put her in her 'excersaucer' to play for a few minutes and she would hardly even notice, however if I am in the bathroom, more than likely so is she.. So I have had to come to grips with sitting on the toilet, and having a small child standing in front of me, to whom I am trying to entertain long enough to keep her from unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper in record time.

As a new parent, I have learned that privacy is no longer a privilege that I am afforded, and I have begun to accept these things, and really appreciate those moments on the weekends when my husband is home so I can close the door... :-)

Long time, no time to write!

I know, I know-- it's been since November.. But, I don't know who I was fooling when I thought that I would ACTUALLY have time to write as often as I was, since my little lady has become mobile I have anything less than time to myself..

Don't get me wrong, I do a lot.. I chase her around the house, I plan birthday parties, I make breakfast, lunch and dinner that's cut into tiny-little bits, I pureed food, I breastfeed, I do laundry, I drive from playdate to playdate, I teach, I dance, I sing, I rock, and I cuddle, and this is all often before 345pm.

I also often eat on the run, wear dirty clothes, have to think when the last time I showered or washed my hair is, wear over or undersized clothes, only put makeup on to cover the under eye circles, and have perfected sleeping with my eyes open.

I also get my workouts dancing with my little lady, get my laughs watching her do new things and giggling when being tickled, get a full days worth of kisses in the first ten minutes I am awake in the morning, have a new found love for apple juice, little bits of fruit and cheerios, and realized that watching my husband jump around making monkey noises making his two girls laugh hysterically is often the best part of my day.

I am trying to enjoy each and every second of these stressful, amazing, and often 'fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants' moments, because as clichéd as it is the time really does fly by....

Time flies when you're having fun!

Seriously!? 7 months?! Wow, where did the time go? I can't believe that I had a baby 7 months ago. I can't believe I haven't written on this blog in over a month, and even more I can't believe that I ever thought that there was a remote possibility that I would have enough time to write on my blog once a week.. silly me!

We've been so busy running here and there, doing this and that, playing with new friends and going to all sorts of classes and playdates.. I have sadly neglected my blog..

As time is slipping through my very busy hands, I have witnessed the miraculous growth of my daughter from lump of crying, pooping, eating nothingness to the babbling, 'da-da-da-da-ing', smiley, walking in her walker happy baby girl!

I cannot believe that I have made it 7 months exclusively breastfeeding.. I tried to give her a few solids here and there at about 6 months much to her chagrin.. She's a true breast milk baby. Only now is she even a little more interested in eating 'real' food, but not so much, and I am shocked that I am completely OK with that.

As time marches on, I am becoming more and more acclimated to being a semi-stay at home mommy. Juggling work, the baby, and all things in between have made me a more well rounded person.. What's even cooler is that people are starting to ask me baby/parenting questions.. Not that by any means am I an expert, nor do have I have all the right answers, or even any answers at all.. Actually, so much of what I do is instinct and based on my gut feelings, that that is the way I advise most people.

As per the request of a few people I knew who are expecting or plan to be expecting soon, I have decided to being doing reviews of products and things I am trying.. I am going to be exploring everything from a possible switch to cloth diapers, incorporating a few techniques of 'baby led weaning' into our food introduction, using as many natural products as possible, and trying all sorts of stuff in my adventures... If nothing else, this blog will be entertaining in a few years when I want something to look back on to remember all of these funny moments. :0)

Feel free to join me in my quest to figure out this whole mommy thing, and please by all means suggestions are welcome for things that have made your/your moms/sisters/cousins lives as a mommy easier.

I promise many more entertaining, witty and of nothing else silly blogs to come!

Just shy of half a year...

6 months have almost passed me by and with each moment..each passing second..each glance..each giggle..each tear..each and every smile has brought more joy to my life, and has made me fall deeper in love with my daughter.

If I were to write here a letter today (first of many, I am sure) this is what I would hope to say:

If the past few months have taught me anything, it is that I have many wishes for you, my love.

There will be many challenges in your life, and you will be faced with happiness and pain, and love and hurt.

I wish you the ability to have grace under fire.

I wish you to be able to look people in the face and smile when they put you down, or muster up a ' have a good day' when someone yells at you for no reason..

And to agree to disagree when faced with the ignorance of themany people you will meet, even if what they say seems to insane, ridiculous or otherwise stupid.

I hope you have many friends, people who you can share joy with, dream with, laugh with and cry with.

I wish you a speedy recovery when you have your heart broken for the first time. I hope you are able to look at the person who broke it, hold back the hurt while holding your head high and wish them well, wish them peace and most of all wish them love. Remember always that you reap what you sow.

I strongly encourage you to stand up for what you beleive in. No matter who opposes you, or who feels differently (even me).

Trust your instincts and often go with your first impressions, they will be your best guide.

I hope that you are able to show compassion and respect for those people whose beliefs are different than yours and especially those who you disagree with.

I pray that the first time a friend hurts or betrays you, you look deep into your heart and are able to forgive them.

I hope you always keep an open mind and an open heart.

Love big, smile often and live your life to the fullest.

I have faced many challenges in my life, and you my sweet baby girl are my reward.

You have become the answer to all of my questions- You are my heart.

I love you- Always and forever- Lots and lots.

-Mama.

Not-so supermarket...

I used to LOVE to go food shopping! It was a small frame of time where I would get to get away from everyone and everything and buy food. It may sound trivial and small, but I also have a HUGE passion for cooking- so the way a musician loves to go to a music store and tinker on a new guitar, or an artist walks into a craft store and gets a little batty over all of the crafty possibilities, to me the grocery store was much the same way. Each isle contained an ingredient that I loved or one I've been dying to try-- and combined with a few other ingredients and a little imagination some of the most wonderful things would come about. My heart would beat just a little faster each time I would enter the florescent-ly light warehouse of wonderment, my head buzzing with delight over the possibilities. Cooking is the way I relax, cooking is my stress relief, cooking is just my thing. It's my outlet for creativity and anxiety-- In other words, cooking is my drug, and the grocery store my dealer.

That was until I had a shopping partner.. No, I am not talking about Andre who has been banned from coming with me until further notice based upon the fact that he treats the grocery store like a rogue military operation... Get in, cause a lot of damage and get out as quickly as possible sticking only to the task (grocery list) at hand. He never quite understood my lackadaisical way of shopping; not quite comprehending my need to read labels for nutritional value and ingredients, cruising up and down each isle to look for new arrivals and using my list as only a guideline, not a map of the quickest route in and out of the store.

No-no.. I am talking about my little daughter. I understand and fully comprehend that at her age of just barely 5 months that she may not particularly enjoy the supermarket.. I get it. She's not quite at the point where you can stick her in cart with a stringed box of animal crackers and expect her to sit quietly like my mom did with me and many moms did with their children before that, but I also didn't think I was signing on for leaving my cart in the 4th isle to run outside to the parking lot to calm her down as apparently my child has a serious issue with the idea of Ronzoni pasta.

There was a time in my life PBI (Pre-baby Isabel) that I would be sauntering up and down the isle of Stop and Shop at about 2-3 miles per hour enjoying the sights and smells, imagining myself as a chef or a restaurant owner finally having a chance to feed people my healthy and delicious recipies.. Changing the average Joe's opinion of beans and asparagus forever when 'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'! I am snapped back into reality-- the one where I work in a medical office and cook only for hobby and my husbands sustenance by a screaming child and a worn and tired looking woman trying desperately to get her food shopping done while attempting to calm her child, hold a pacifier in it's mouth, read a shopping list and push the cart all at the same time. All around her would be older, more wiser looking women giving her the knowing 'don't worry, I've been there and it gets better' look.. And then there's me, shooting her the (not intentionally, but because I cannot control my facial expressions) look that says

'seriously, lady? you don't have husband or life partner or a baby daddy to leave that kid with so it doesn't ruin my Zen moment?' Ok, I know that sounds mean and horrible, but I had no idea. I wasn't aware of the physical exhaustion and desperation that having a kid can give you, and not to mention how going to the store just to get the basics can be an all day affair.. and how the second that your baby begins to whimper you move that much faster in hopes that by the time your baby has an all out meltdown, you've at least made it to the register. I am pretty sure all of the mommies I have ever given 'the look' to have all gotten together and wished and hoped and prayed that one day I would suffer their misery..

.... And it worked! I get it and I am sorry.. Consider this my formal apology. I promise for now on, if I shoot anyone any looks in the store it will be only those looks of camaraderie-- A look of knowing and understanding that you, like me are just trying to buy some milk and eggs and cereal (like you'd actually have the time to eat it, ha!) without feeling completely embarrassed and flustered by your child that is now screaming so hard your afraid someone is going to think you've stolen them, because if you were it's 'real' mom there is no way you wouldn't be able to comfort them at least enough to calm them down a little.

So, while I have tried to work it out that I leave the baby with Andre so I can go food shopping, and I don't 'miss out' on a food shopping adventure, I often stop mid-store when I hear a baby giggle, coo or even cry to realize that I miss her so much more than I thought I would and I have resorted to taking her with me strapped to my chest and maybe this way she will learn to love shopping as much as her mommy.